ThreeTwentySeven
by Sorceress Fantasia
Summary: A ‘what if’ series of ficlets about a threesome, as written in twenty parts, with characters from Final Fantasy Seven, where Cloud is Zack and Sephiroth’s persocom. ZC, SZC
1. Parts 1 to 3

Title: Three-Twenty-Seven part 1

Author: Sorceress Fantasia

Pairings: Zack/Cloud, eventual Sephiroth/Zack/Cloud

Warnings: Crack, fluff, humour, slight crossover with Chobits, slice-of-life

Word count: 835

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: As much as I would love to lay claim to Cloud, I'm kinda scared of Seph's Masamune. So well, I don't own Final Fantasy 7 or any of its characters.

Summary: Zack's first meeting with his Persocom.

* * *

When Zack joined the military, he had expected a lot of things. Most of them were bad, and he realized the moment he'd signed his name above the dotted line that they were all true. There was the constant fighting, the physically-taxing training, the food served in the cafeteria that sooner ate a hole in your stomach than you could digest them, and the slightly muted but still discernable noises that came from some bunks in the middle of the night like certain people were playing 'find your materia slot' with things that were definitely not materia. Whoever said that being in the military was good for hooking up with girls could go scrub the chocobo stables with a toothbrush during the chocobos' mating season with the horny birds; who had the time or energy for that sort of thing?

Then he got promoted.

And he realized that he could name offhandedly some recruits who ought to be shot first before a mission started lest he brought down the whole platoon, finally knew the people who played 'find your materia slot' in the middle of the night by their first names, learnt not to twitch at all when he found whips and leashes in some officer's rooms, and he finally agreed with the others that yes, paperwork mated at night like rabbits on Viagra with no condoms when nobody was in the offices and multiplied by themselves enough to have great-grandchildren by the next working day.

The other officers assured him that he was fully inducted into the ranks when he confessed to having recurring nightmares of being eaten alive by the 'evil paperwork'.

As far as Zack was concerned, being in the military was only good for… well, if it was good for anything, Zack certainly hadn't found out what it was yet. And he had enough self-preservation instincts instilled into him enough to not ask Angeal, Genesis or Sephiroth. Those three, with all their emo-ness combined and Genesis' tendency to quote 'Loveless' for every damn thing, wouldn't have a clue anyway. And Zack was not interested in hearing enough of 'Loveless' to be able to recite it by heart, thank you very much.

Then, in a proverbial twist of fate, the answer to his question came in the form of a twisted man, as befitting of a twisted fate.

Hojo, the mad scientist who everyone had speculated to have the sex drive of a neutered Bandersnatch, was in actual fact a closet pervert who had a fetish for cute little shotacon poster boys. Or so rumours went. But it was a fact that the man had been ordered by Rufus, who recently took over the position of president from his father, to work on a project to build a super-computer, and the end result was a super-computer alright.

A humanoid half cyborg, half super-computer that was, as mentioned earlier, the poster boy for shotacon. Even if half cyborg, half super-computers didn't exactly view ages the same way humans did. Numbers, to them, were something like… a warranty period. Anything older than three years old was considered antique and out of warranty.

Still, the humanoid side of this half cyborg, half super-computer was infinitely pretty, and looked anywhere from 18 years of age to 18 and a month. More or less. Rufus had been worried about moral crusades against Shinra for manufacturing half cyborg, half super-computers that looked too young and would hence be the perfect victims for shotacon and lolicon.

Anyway…

With a pale, heart-shaped face framed by messy blond hair, blue eyes that held the almost eerie glow of Mako and yet were softer like sparkling sapphires, soft, supple complexion, and delicate features, the only thing that indicated the boy was not normal were the special 'ears' on either side of his head which could be opened and connect him to normal computers. Seriously, there were few questions as to why Cloud Strife was nearly locked up in Hojo's room. Thank god for Rufus' timely intervention or Cloud would never get to see the light of day.

And now Zack had the little blond at his beck and call, waiting on him hand and foot and obediently following his every order. Ah, the perks of being the only sane SOLDIER First Class! And in order to get a complete grasp of what Cloud could and could not do, Rufus had ordered Zack –did he even have to order him to do so?- to fully realize every aspect of Cloud's potential in whichever way he wanted. He even got Hojo to write and install a program into Cloud that made him so dependent on Zack that he couldn't wander too far away from the brunet.

Looking at the blond boy –Persocom, Hojo would yell- standing before him and peeking at him from under jagged, wispy bangs, Zack grinned wide enough to trip every warning bell, alarm and security system in existence.

Cloud just fidgeted and tried to pull his clothes closer to himself.

* * *

**Three-Twenty-Seven part 2**  
Word count: 1385  
Summary: Zack brings Cloud home, and Cloud meets Sephiroth for the first time.

As much as Cloud's first meeting with Zack less pleasant than he had imagined (though compared to Hojo, the degree of discomfort Zack gave him was no contest), his first meeting with Sephiroth was a lot better, if just slightly awkward. Still, with all things considered and taking into account of what Cloud already knew about the silver-haired general with no thanks to information packages that were easily downloaded from Hojo's files, he thought it was pleasant enough.

Even if his first sentence upon seeing the blond was, "Zack, put your boy-toy back to where you'd found him."

Upon leaving Zack's office, where President Rufus had readily offloaded him over to the brunet much like a sack of potatoes –expensive and intelligent potatoes, he might add- Zack had pulled him along back to the apartment he shared with Sephiroth like a kid with his latest toy or Christmas present and looking for someone to show off to. Bursting through the door, the first thing he did was shout for his friend who was at the dining table poking at a plate of… something with his fork.

Sephiroth raised a fine eyebrow, went back to stabbing the plate of… something, and said, "Zack, put your boy-toy back to where you'd found him." Ah yes, the dreaded aforementioned sentence that had more or less stuck Cloud to his spot with a stiff expression and did basically nothing to Zack, the ever optimistic one.

"But aww, Seph you never let me have any fun anymore!" he merely replied, the grin on his face urging Cloud to inch away slowly.

"The last time I closed one eye and 'let' you, I had Lazard beating down my office door with the news that you'd implied that doing squats was fundamental to passing the SOLDIER exams and some cadets had gotten severe cramps from overdoing it. And the stains on our kitchen ceiling? That was you having fun the last, last time. And don't get me started on the last, last, last time you had fun; Angeal still gets headaches when he thinks of it."

"But you had a good laugh, didn't you? And anyway, Cloud is not my boy-toy. If anything, he's /our/ boy-toy because we're supposed to share him, but he's not really a boy-toy. He's… Ah Cloud, why are you all scrunched up against the wall on that far end of the room?" Zack asked, a lopsided grin plastered on his face like it was a permanent fixture. He ignored Sephiroth's comment, "Probably because that's the furthest he could go," and gestured for the obviously flustered blond to come back. "Aw, you're awfully skittish, aren't you?"

Backed up against what he hoped was a solid and secure wall, Cloud shook his head and yelled his reply, "Not skittish! I just have a very strong sense of self-preservation! Erm, could I stay here for the moment while you two talk it out? Whatever it is! I can stay here all night, I swear!"

"Well, if you're comfortable…"

"I am! Please don't worry about me!" The blond nodded so quickly Zack was surprised he hadn't gotten whiplash from it at all. He chalked it up to the wonders of being a persocom and carefully filed the piece of information away.

Turning back to Sephiroth, who had finally given up his battle with the plate of… something and set his fork down, Zack's grin came back full force. "Anyway, as I was saying, the blond's name is Cloud, and he's going to be staying with us from now on. You've heard of the rumours surrounding Hojo, haven't you? Not the one about him having the sex drive of a neutered Bandersnatch –which I personally think has been over-exaggerated; comparing Hojo's sex drive to a Bandersnatch's is such an insult to the Bandersnatch, neutered or not- but the rumour about Rufus ordering him to build a super-computer. Well, our lovely Cloud here is the end product. Hojo calls him a persocom, but I'd rather call him by a whole list of cuter nicknames."

Sephiroth frowned. "A humanoid computer?"

"Well… more or less. We'd have to go through his specs to know what he can really do, though. That's basically why Cloud's here with us, actually. Rufus wants me –well, us- to find out what Cloud can do and cannot do, and he even got Hojo to install this frigging cool program that makes Cloud so dependent on me he has to sleep with me."

"I only have to be within 3 kilometers of you! It's not necessary for me to sleep in your bedroom, much less your bed! The program isn't that anal!" Cloud yelled suddenly, blood rushing to his face so fast he almost burst a vessel. The wall he was still firmly pressed up against was starting to have an impression of his silhouette.

"I promise I won't hog the blankets! But in case I do, you're welcome to snuggle up to me to get warmer. I won't mind even if you wake me up," Zack laughed with a wink, completely ignoring the blond's protests. "Just don't try Seph. He's real cranky when he wakes up, and he always keeps his Masamune at his bedside so I wouldn't go anywhere near him when he's sleeping, seriously. That's mostly why all of the assassinations on Seph failed back when we were fighting the war in Wutai, come to think of it. The assassins just don't get the idea of assassination when the guy's not sleeping."

Under Cloud's careful observations, Sephiroth's poker face did not twitch at all, probably already too used to Zack's brand of humour. Instead, the man seemed to be quite intrigued by his presence, quite possibly because he hadn't seen someone who was unfortunately not yet immune to the Zack phenomenon in a very long time. And according to the data files Cloud had gotten, Zack had already been in Shinra for the past three years, which was more than enough time for the people around him to get used to him. Even emo people –a label used in the data files, seriously, though Cloud did wonder if he should tell Hojo that having an internal Wiki system where all Shinra personnel could log in and edit the information for their data files wasn't the best idea- like Sephiroth had reached the consensus that getting used to Zack was a more pleasant prospect than getting forever surprised by whatever he did by the second year.

But surely, the silver-haired general couldn't blame him! Who could fault him for his survival instincts?

Then the general walked over, and before Cloud knew it, the man's commanding presence was already towering over him, his liquid mako eyes seemingly assessing his worth. He gulped internally.

"General sir?"

"Can you…"

Cloud was expecting a lot of things, things that ran from hitting a target with a sniper rifle three kilometers away to recording and summarizing all those lengthy Shinra meetings, and even sillier things like how many squats he could do under one minute and if he was toilet trained. His data files mentioned that Sephiroth was a highly unpredictable individual outside of the battlefield, and he vaguely wondered how unpredictable was unpredictable.

"…cook?"

Yup, the data files were accurate enough.

"Yes, sir. I can cook well enough. I have some recipes downloaded onto my hard drive."

"Brilliant question, Seph! No wonder they pay you the big bucks! You totally think of everything," Zack exclaimed, jogging over to them. "So, when can we have dinner? It's supposed to be Seph's turn cooking tonight, but I still can't figure out what's that thing on the plate that he keeps stabbing at."

While Sephiroth questioned the true identity of the thing that had been on the plate yesterday when Zack had been the one cooking, Cloud just swiftly slipped into the kitchen like a mice and started going through the groceries and tossing out the colonies of previously unknown life forms that now dwelled in the refrigerator.

Well, that first meeting with Sephiroth had been pleasant enough. At least, there were no threats of befriending the Masasume yet. Oh wait, there was one now, if the way Zack was yelling was any indication. But it was directed at Zack, so well… not his problem.

* * *

**Three-Twenty-Seven part 3  
**Word count: 1551  
Summary: The WikiShinra has got to be one of the worst ideas Shinra ever had.

The Shinra data banks were a complete mess by the time the company entered its tenth year, what with huge amounts of funds going missing and then reappearing in someone's personal bank account and some internal executives playing tic-tac-toe in the accounting books. So when somebody finally realized it was probably more efficient to clean up the mess literally than spend five hours in the sweltering data rooms and going through every frigging folder and electronic disc for if a demised SOLDIER First Class had bought life insurance with the company or not, the company decided to do this with the fastest way possible.

By creating an internal data management system where everyone in the company who was of a legally sound mind could input and edit data, Shinra managed to clean up its data banks in half the time they had expected. With the other half of the time when the engineers were expected to work for, they created a similar system for its personnel.

Now, everyone was who was a somebody in Shinra had their own profile pages in WikiShinra.

Having a profile page in WikiShinra was a bragging right, and while most of the pages were profiles of prominent and high-ranking SOLDIERs, some of the Shinra heads like Scarlet and Heidegger also had their own pages, though theirs were always locked for fear of vandalism.

As Cloud laid in bed on his first night with Zack and Sephiroth (unfortunately, as the guestroom was currently occupied by dust bunnies and alien life forms and no eviction notice could be handed out so soon, Cloud had to take up Zack's offer of sharing a bed), he booted up his system and connected himself to the website. During dinner, Zack and Sephiroth had had a short discussion about the people they worked with before they –well, it was mostly Zack- shot it down in favour of getting to know more of Cloud. Now, as Zack snored away softly beside him, Cloud thought it was the perfect opportunity to learn more about his two caretakers.

He first visited Zack's page, blinking at the image that loaded. That photo was definitely not Zack's. In fact, it wasn't even human. But considering Zack's nickname that he'd heard Rufus call him by and Zack's behaviour so far, Cloud wasn't sure if that image of the puppy was really that inaccurate. Still, as Zack's persocom, he felt it was his duty to do a check on who'd vandalized the article. Praying that he wouldn't wake his caretaker up, he allowed his systems to speed through the process and before long, he'd managed to track the offending IP address to a certain computer he knew was located in a special part of the Shinra building.

Did Zack have some grudge with a Turk member? He'd have to ask Zack tomorrow morning.

For now, he decided he'd just go through the information on Zack's page and he called up the page again. Joined the military at age 15, rose through the ranks in a near unprecedented speed to become a SOLDIER First Class in just three years, and currently 18 years of age. Described by colleagues to be annoyingly cheery at times, everyone believes that Zack's the reason why his mentor, Angeal Hewley, gets headaches frequently and some even believe that Angeal has gone slightly batshit due to his protégé.

Well, all checked, and Cloud was sure he'd have enough material on Zack a few days later to beef up a section called 'Number of amazing, sometimes hilarious and absolutely tasteless practical jokes Zack has played'.

Cloud moved on to Angeal.

Another SOLDIER First Class, and known as one third of the holy trinity within the military, which was made up of Angeal, Genesis and Sephiroth. Due to Genesis' preference to work alone and Sephiroth's poor emotional quotient, however, Angeal was usually seen as the emotional leader of the military branch. Took cadet of the year, Zack Fair, under his tutelage when the boy was 15, and has managed to train him into a brilliant SOLDIER, despite the boy's tendency to get into trouble like nobody's business. Rumoured to terribly regret his choice of protégé.

Next on Cloud's list was Genesis.

SOLDIER First Class, most well known in the military for being a huge 'Loveless' fan and his tendency to quote passages from the timeless classic offhandedly for all and any occasions. Also happens to be Angeal's childhood friend who joined the military at the same time and rose through the ranks together. Currently has not taken anyone under his wing, and usually works alone or with Sephiroth or Angeal. According to the records, however, he seemed to prefer working with his childhood friend as Sephiroth once competed against him for the title of the prettiest SOLDIER, and Genesis was still holding a grudge against the silver-haired general.

Cloud rose an eyebrow at the large trivia section that he had a feeling Genesis' fanboys and fangirls had helped compile. Genesis was rumoured to have a secret identity as an international pop sensation that'd sold loads of records and was popular for giving fan-service on stage?

Right.

Now it was Sephiroth's turn.

Cloud took a quick glance, and he was almost disappointed at how similar the information up on the page was with what Hojo had already provided him with. SOLDIER First Class, highly unpredictable individual outside of the battlefield, can't cook to save his life, shares an apartment with Zack, wields the legendary Masamune that sometimes doubles as a laundry pole when Zack runs out… Nothing new, unfortunately.

Despite the late hour, Cloud decided to search for one last group of people: the Turks. Since Zack had probably offended or gotten into trouble with at least one of them (hence the puppy photo up on his WikiShinra page), Cloud thought it'd be a good idea to get to know them as well. Vaguely, he wondered if any of them were more decent than Zack and wouldn't mind taking him off his hands. At that thought, Cloud very carefully removed Zack's hand that was crawling towards his boxers with a rather disturbing accuracy.

Cloud decided he liked going online at night, when most people were asleep and he had more bandwidth available. He resisted the urge to curse Hojo for being stingy and not setting him up with a personal internet connection. He would have cursed more had the page he was looking for not turn up.

Hmm… According to the page, the Turks were a group of people attached directly to the president, and their work scope included everything under the sun. As long as the president wanted it done, they'd do it.

Cloud blinked. Hey, wasn't it a little tough on them? What if the president wanted someone to clear his flooded toilet bowl and clean the piece of gum he stepped on in his new leather shoes? The poor souls… Cloud silently said a prayer for them as he removed Zack's hand that was inching towards his crotch again and wriggled further away from the human leech. Was the man really asleep!?

Anyway, back to work, back to work. Turks, Turks, Turks… Ah, a snippet of trivia on the page revealed the origin of their name: during a ball to celebrate the completion of a new reactor and also for Thanksgiving, the previous president had gotten suitably drunk on fruit juice, and with it, his desire to create a new group of people to clean up after him increased. The man had taken a look at his table and promptly named the new group after what was being served for dinner. It was, supposedly, with much persuasion and pleading that the group had not been named Turkeys.

The poor souls.

"Clooooooouuuuud…"

Uh oh. As if on instincts, Cloud flipped out of bed just in time to avoid a full frontal glomp. Holding his hands in front of him defensively, he watched the figure still lounging in his bed cautiously, uncertain if the man would suddenly decide to leap up and grab him like he was a crocodile and Cloud was the zebra crossing the river. After several minutes of Zack continuing to lie in bed like a log, Cloud narrowed his eyes. A thought occurred to him, and he gingerly inched towards the bed again, squatting down by the edge. Slowly, he poked Zack's cheek.

The man's only response was an annoyed swipe.

Cloud tried again.

Another swipe and a groan.

Deciding to take another chance, Cloud crept back onto bed, slipping under the covers quickly. He sighed contently at the warmth seeping back into his bones and the feeling of the soft bed underneath. It wasn't long before his eyelids began to close of their own accord. They slid lower and lower, lower and lower, until finally, those baby blues were completely shut. His breathing evened out soon enough.

That was when Zack's arms pulled him closer until they were completely flushed together. Cloud did not even budge.

"Heh, Cloud, you've completely underestimated me, haven't you? A SOLDIER can lie in wait for as long as they need to catch their quarry and complete their mission," he uttered softly into the boy's golden locks, pressing a kiss there as he finished. "Good night, little one."

-tbc-

**A/N: **Now, if you noticed, this fic's summary is '_A 'what if' series of ficlets about a threesome, as written in twenty parts, with characters from Final Fantasy Seven, where Cloud is Zack and Sephiroth's persocom'_. Currently, I only have 3 parts written, and not much ideas for the other 17 parts. If you are still reading this, please feel free to give prompts, which I may or may not take depending on how active my brain cells are. XD

Also, if you have an idea on how to incorporate Sephiroth into Zack and Cloud's relationship, please also help. XD Sephiroth is kinda unwilling to destroy the 'delicate' balance between those two and hence has not given me any opening to start writing them as a threesome. XDD


	2. Part 4 to 6

Title: Three-Twenty-Seven part 4

Author: Sorceress Fantasia

Pairings: Zack/Cloud, and Sephiroth

Warnings: Crack, fluff, humour, slight crossover with Chobits, slice-of-life

Word count: 1759

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: As much as I would love to lay claim to Cloud, I'm kinda scared of Seph's Masamune. So well, I don't own Final Fantasy 7 or any of its characters.

Summary: Cloud's first time as Sephiroth and Zack's secretary, and he sincerely hopes it's the last as well.

* * *

Meetings were, in theory, the most functional ways for the upper echelons of a company to get together and discuss their company's plans, formulate solutions to solve problems, project future earnings, and the perfect opportunity for everyone to smile at the other while subtly checking if the hole they'd nailed in the voodoo dolls had appeared on their enemy's chest.

In reality, however, things often do not turn out the way people theorize, and that really makes one wonder why there are so many god-damn theories in the world anyway. So in a real Shinra meeting, the only thing that is theorized to happen and really does happen is the thing with the voodoo dolls, though everyone knew better than to say it out loud. Other things that usually happened at a Shinra meeting included fighting for the donuts (using mind games and social rules to make the other give up their share of donuts willingly), bugging the secretary for coffee (the volume of the voice yelled at the poor harassed woman seemed to be proportionate of the requester's lack of popularity within the company), and playing hangman on the dossiers. And yes, discuss about the company, of course.

Cloud's first official task as General Sephiroth and Zack's persocom was be a good enough substitute for their secretary at one of those long-winded, never-ending meetings that Shinra company seemed to enjoy having. Basically, he was to be there to take notes for the two, as Sephiroth said that Zack had a tendency to drift off and Genesis liked bothering him at the meetings, and usually it was the same thing about asking Sephiroth to admit defeat over the title of 'prettiest SOLDIER'. At other times, when he wasn't busy with that, Genesis would be humming songs and seemingly writing lyrics in his dossier. It was a bad habit Angeal and he had never gotten Genesis to stop.

As Cloud stood behind the two men, having rejected the secretary's offer to get him a chair and Zack's offer to just sit on his lap, he did a quick matching of profiles of all the people present at the meeting and his data files.

First off, there was President Rufus at the end of the table. To his left was Heidegger, Head of Shinra's Public Safety Maintenance Department, and to his right was Scarlet, Head of Shinra's Weapons Development Department. Both were, according to the files Hojo had provided Cloud with, obnoxious individuals and dubbed 'gya ha ha' and 'kya ha ha' respectively. And then there was Reeve, Head of the Urban Development Department, and while the man looked decent enough, Hojo mentioned that he was useful only when one wanted to teach cats to speak with a Scottish accent. Hojo was seated beside Scarlet, dressed in his usual lab coat, and thankfully, with clothes underneath that damn coat. Sometimes the man buttoned up his coat so much that Cloud couldn't see if he was wearing anything else, and combined with the creepy looks Hojo kept shooting him with, Cloud had a nagging feeling that man was a secret flasher. As it was, the man had hung a sign in the toilet of the science lab that read 'Flash after use'. Of course the man had denied any accusations and claimed that it was a misspelling for 'Flush after use', but Cloud couldn't help but think otherwise.

Those people basically made up the higher echelons of Shinra. Finished with his profiling, Cloud turned to the other side of the table, where the highest ranking SOLDIERs were present. Lazard, while not a SOLDIER, was the director of SOLDIER welfare, so he occupied the first seat. To his right was Angeal, who was subtly trying hard not to twitch at Genesis, who was right beside him, singing the newest chart-topper. The song, according to Cloud's files and the internet, was only recently released by international pop sensation G, and wow, was Genesis' singing an exact match of G's voice? Vaguely, Cloud wondered if Genesis' gasp of pain sounded just like G's too when Sephiroth stepped on his foot, the action concealed to most by the huge mahogany table but completely visible from Cloud's angle. Zack made up the last of the meeting's attendee, but from the way he was looking out of the window with glassy eyes, he might as well have not been attending.

Cloud's internal mechanisms sped up and finished the profiling, fitting everyone's names, designations and information with a photo. When he was done, he waited for the meeting to start. Oh wait a minute. Had that plump and round man, with a huge bald spot right on top of his head like an island surrounded by wisps of hair, been there before? And he was sitting beside Heidegger too, so he was important? Cloud quickly browsed through his files and pulled up his profile page. Oh, so that was Palmer, head of… whatever that is he worked on. Hojo didn't seem to care enough about him to even list it down, mentioning that the man was only good for drinking sugar with his tea. Oh wait, he probably meant drinking tea with sugar. Then again, from the teaspoons of sugar he was drowning in his teacup…

…Whatever. That man was inconsequential.

"So what's on today's agenda?" Rufus asked, nodding towards his secretary who promptly came forward and recited a list of things. The meeting quickly took flight from there, and within the span of about twenty minutes, they'd covered lots of things. Like Rufus approving the suggestion of increasing the SOLDIER and troopers' pay by 5 gil to deal with worldwide inflation so they could buy an extra donut for their work week, and getting more vending machines inside the company so they could earn that 5 gil back. Zack had woken up for a bit when everyone started talking about the 5th anniversary celebrations of the Gongaga reactor, but otherwise, he was out cold with his eyes wide open. It scared Cloud a bit.

And then Heidegger started throwing out the issues he wanted to discuss. Like the recent attack launched by anti-Shinra group Avalanche on the North Corel reactor, the damage taken, the lack of captives by SOLDIER, the residents demanding compensation (which was a moot point to discuss because there was no way they were giving money away like that; Shinra wasn't known as a charitable company, really), and yada yada yada… The man went on and on and on, and suddenly Cloud envied Zack's ability to shut down so completely and yet keep up pretenses of being awake. Vaguely, he wondered if the others had also mastered the skill, and also if he could get someone (preferably not Hojo) to install an energy-efficient mode for him so he could do what Zack was doing.

As it was, the only thing that Cloud thought was note-worthy was simply this: North Corel reactor attacked by anti-Shinra group Avalanche, day XX month XX year XXXX.

Suddenly, just when sleep-mode was about to kick in, he heard his name being called and he snapped to attention, only to see Heidegger looking at him with a strange look that reminded him strongly of how Hojo used to look at him until President Rufus forced him to give Cloud away to Zack (and Sephiroth).

"So this is the humanoid computer that was recently produced?" the man asked gruffly.

Cloud was not given a chance to answer when Hojo snorted, adjusting the thick glasses on his nose until they were so high, it looked as though they were meant to see what was on the ceiling instead of what was in front of him.

"Persocom. That's the name I've given my creation," Hojo replied, now leaning forward in his seat to look a better look at Cloud. "I've equipped him with the best components Shinra has to offer, and installed enough programs inside him to make him an impossibly efficient and capable helper in any field of work, be it military, domestic or office work. In order to simulate a real human, the personcom has also been installed with specially-designed simulation packages that give him human-like emotions and reactions. That means he functions almost exactly like a real human would have, blood, flesh and all, though all that can be changed or fine-tuned with a change in his settings. And while I'd have liked to experiment on humans and make something out of that, that would have thrust this whole fic into the controversial issues of genetic manipulation, cloning, cruelty against humans…yada yada yada, so instead I made a Persocom from scratch. No human parts were involved or were harmed in the making of this Persocom."

When everyone in the room turned to look at him, bewilderment evident in their eyes and some even looked like they wanted to ask him what he'd been smoking, Hojo coughed into his fist. Somewhere far, far away, inside a coffin, in a faraway backwater town named Nibelhelm, someone sneezed violently.

"Beautiful work, isn't he?" Hojo said quickly.

Heidegger nodded, and when Palmer saw this, he quickly nodded as well. On the other side of the table, Scarlet snorted and turned away to powder her face again, not noticing (or ignoring) how Reeve was trying hard not to sneeze. Rufus had a faint smile on his face, as did Lazard and the SOLDIERs.

Unused to such attention and intense scrutiny from such a crowd, Cloud edged closer to his current caregivers, especially when both Hojo and Heidegger started giving him /that/ look like he was a piece of choice meat. The urge to ask Zack and Sephiroth for an extra jacket –no, a long-sleeved trench coat! - was almost too difficult to ignore.

"Oh yeah! Cloud's definitely a beautiful piece of work! And he was so comfy to hug in bed!" Zack exclaimed all of a sudden, his jovial expression a sharp contrast to Cloud's utter horror. It contrasted even more with the murderous looks on Heidegger and Hojo's faces.

Cloud spent the rest of the meeting edging closer and closer towards Sephiroth and further and further away from Zack, Hojo and Heidegger. And as the three men spent the next fifteen minutes discussing how there should be more Persocoms that look as good as him – and preferably even younger-looking, suggested H-kun, whose name has been erased to preserve anonymity - Cloud made a mental note to hack into their WikiShinra pages and update the information with a new snippet. Shotacon, H-kun was. And the other two were perverts, both of them.

* * *

**Three-Twenty-Seven part 5  
**Word count: 1232  
Summary: Cloud's first meeting with Genesis, Angeal and Lazard. Someone should have told him that all high-ranking SOLDIER personnel were slightly off their rockers.

Immediately after the meeting, Cloud tried to access WikiShinra to edit H-kun's profile page and add that new information he'd just learnt about the man, that he was a total shotacon. His decision to update the man's profile page was cemented when H-kun leered at him again while everyone filed out of the meeting room, and Cloud had to suppress a shiver. Maybe he'd be better off at finding a decent man in Wall Market where the number one lecher of the slums was rumoured to live.

But the decision was taken out of his hands when Zack grabbed him and shoved him up front before wrapping his arms around him like a huge teddy bear. A huge, cold teddy bear who was currently trying to leech as much body heat from Cloud as possible, if the way Zack kept their bodies flush against each other was any indication.

His first instinct was to pry the man's hands off him (he'd have to activate crowbar mode first though). Then Genesis gave him a lopsided smirk, and all his instincts flew out of the window and behind the nearest possible cannon fodder. Zack happened to be it.

"Aww, Cloud… you look like a chocobo who just realized that there's a Fantasia Fried Chocobo fast food chain!" Zack chirped, patting the blond on the head dotingly.

Lazard adjusted his glasses, eyes fixated on the hissing blond still half-hidden behind Zack.

"Well, now that you mention it, he does look somewhat like a chocobo…" he said amidst Genesis and Angeal's silent chuckles, and he probably would have said more, except that Cloud turned his kicked chocobo eyes on him all of a sudden. Lazard coughed into his hand. And then he held out his other hand which he had not coughed into and offered it to the blond like an olive branch.

"We've already met inside the board room, but it certainly doesn't hurt to introduce myself again. I am Lazard, director of SOLDIER welfare. This here is Angeal and the one in red is Genesis, both first classes."

The two nodded at Cloud, though their nods were evidently different. While Angeal's was kinder and sincere, Genesis' was tinted with a trace of superiority and arrogance. It was enough to prompt Cloud to shove Zack in front of himself even more. Wincing, Cloud guessed Genesis wasn't too happy about him being Sephiroth's Persocom, seeing as how he held sort of a grudge towards the man.

So when Genesis's lips suddenly curved into a smirk and gestured for him to come over, Cloud thought hell was freezing over. Even if hell, for some strange reason, did not freeze, Cloud knew his legs were, for they were keeping him firmly behind Zack and made no move to walk over.

That didn't seem to bother Genesis much, however.

"I supposed you're living with Sephiroth and the puppy?"

"Ye-yes sir."

They both ignored Zack's indignant protests that Cloud addressed Genesis as 'sir' while not doing the same for him, and his subsequent "hey why didn't you object when Genesis called me, your master, a puppy?"

"I see. You have it tough, little one. Living with Sephiroth isn't an easy task. After all, he's…"

"Genesis."

To Cloud's surprise, Sephiroth wasn't the one to stop Genesis from running off. In fact, the silver-haired general looked as calm as he always did, and Cloud silently suspected that nothing short of the world exploding would rile him up. Or maybe he'd just say something along the lines of "if the world is to end, then we must simply laugh." Wait a minute; that sounded like a quote from another game… Wait another minute; what another game?

Sometimes, Cloud thought that the programs that Hojo had installed into his system were bonkers. Anyway…

To Cloud's surprise, Sephiroth wasn't the one to stop Genesis from running off. In fact, the silver-haired general looked as calm as he always did, and Cloud silently suspected that nothing short of the world exploding would rile him up. The one who actually spoke up was, instead, Angeal, who had also grabbed Genesis' shoulder and pulled him back with a look in his eyes that told him to shut up.

It did nothing to wipe the smirk off Genesis's face.

"Ah yes, I suppose it would be much more interesting if you found out about it yourself, little one," he said with a shrug. "If it ever bothers you, being his Persocom and all, you could always request a transfer over to me or Angeal. Now, if you'd all just excuse me…" With that, the man turned around and stalked off before rounding a corner and disappearing from view.

Angeal sighed.

"Don't let him bother you, Cloud. Genesis just likes to make others worry," Angeal consoled, pinching his nose in an attempt to drive off his headache.

"Especially when it's got something to do with Seph," Zack added, snickering. "Don't you ever wish you didn't join the competition for the prettiest SOLDIER in Shinra?"

From Lazard and Angeal's rapidly darkening auras, Cloud could just almost see their thoughts above their heads: weren't you the one who filled up the application form for Sephiroth? Something along those lines.

Sephiroth merely shook his head.

"Genesis is not someone who'd hold a grudge over something this petty."

From Lazard and Angeal's auras that were darkening even more rapidly than before and were now laced with a tinge of disbelief, Cloud could see more thoughts above their heads: what makes you think Genesis isn't someone like that? Something definitely along those lines.

Sephiroth added, "Besides, it's not like Genesis didn't win the competition."

By now, Lazard and Angeal's auras were now blacker than black and laced with a healthy dose of WTF, and Cloud could see even more thoughts above their heads: Genesis won Mr. Photogenic; you came in first, second and third. Something definitely, 100% confirmed, plus a stamp of guarantee along those lines.

Suddenly, Cloud could see why Angeal was known as the emotional leader for SOLDIER and why they needed Lazard as a director for SOLDIER welfare. They were probably the glue holding the military together: soft, malleable and sticky. On the other hand, Sephiroth and Genesis were thumbtacks: stuck things together well enough, but always with a bit of a sting. And it helped that Genesis was a prick.

Then what about Zack? Looking sideways, where the brunet was grinning at him winsomely and offering a hand, Cloud thought that Zack was probably duct tape.

"While these people here continue to debate over the reason why Genesis acts the way he does, shall we go for lunch? I'm starving!"

It seemed like the question was just a formality, because before Cloud could even answer, Zack had already grabbed his hand and pulled him away towards the general vicinity of the cafeteria.

Yup, definitely duct tape. Despite the dark side Cloud had witness the night before when Zack groped him in his sleep, Zack apparently also had a lighter side where he was nicer and sweeter than the other guys. And his grin was bright enough he could probably hold the universe together, if he wanted to.

Still, Cloud thought as he slapped a wandering hand away, he would much prefer Zack if the man did not show his dark side more often and try to paw him every other second…

* * *

**Three-Twenty-Seven part 6  
**Word count: 797  
Summary: If Cloud had known that taking minutes for the meeting would give him so much trouble, he would have never agreed to helping out.

Spell checks programs were, seriously, double-edged swords.

On one hand, it gave the people who couldn't spell hope that maybe their term papers wouldn't be dotted with too many red underlines and a look from their lecturers like they were spelling bee competition rejects.

On the other hand, it made people who used to be able to spell just fine entirely too dependent on them so much so that their ability to spell correctly with pen and paper fell drastically to near-zero levels.

In Cloud's case, spell checks were the vilest, most evil and malevolent beings to ever grace the planet.

"Cloud, why does your spell check program think my name is a misspelling?"

Cloud squirmed under Sephiroth's unwavering stare. On the desk beside the man, a copy of the minutes from the meeting just that morning laid innocently and completely unaware of the trouble it was getting Cloud into. Well, not that it was the minutes' fault of course, but in Cloud's eyes at this point in time, it had committed a crime on the same level as his internal spell check program.

Then again, logic told him that it was neither the minutes nor the spell check program's fault. Sephiroth's name was the problem, it being so uncommon after all. It was not something a sane human being would even dare utter in the presence of the man with a seven-foot sword, however.

"…I'll add your name to the spell check's word list," Cloud replied uneasily.

Sephiroth nodded and turned back to the printed document.

Cloud felt his posture stiffening again when Sephiroth's eyes stopped scanning across the page, and then the man continued to read on and Cloud let out a breath he hadn't known he'd been holding.

Repeat pattern every other second.

By the time Sephiroth was on the second page, Cloud was certain he would need to replace his mechanical heart soon or suffer from a sudden heart attack after all the wear and tear it had gone through in just that hour alone.

It was moments like this that Cloud was relieved that Sephiroth wasn't his only master. In one giant leap and war cry, Zack pulled Cloud into his arms like he was his long lost love, and all the tension that was present earlier instantly melted away faster than ice cream did inside a microwave.

"Cloud~~~ Do you use the Western Continent's spelling standard? You're using 'z' instead of 's' for your words," he asked, a slight whine in his voice.

Cloud's struggles to wriggle free were to no avail. Were Zack's arms made of solid steel and his stomach made of lead? Cloud was never giving Zack any more of his elbow jabs. And despite all his effort, Zack still had him pinned to his chest so tightly Cloud was sure they would need a crowbar to separate them later on.

With Zack's lips so close to his ear, Cloud almost shuddered when he felt rather than heard the other man's utter of 'heaven'. An annoying voice inside Cloud's head (probably one of those 'bonus' programs Professor Hojo had insisted he install) noted the interesting irony that heaven and hell could both be found in Zack's embrace, since the embracee and embracer obviously had opposing thoughts about the same thing.

Through it all, Sephiroth never lifted his head from the document.

"Yes Zack, my default setting is the Western Continent's spelling. Is that a problem?" Cloud asked.

"Of course it is!" Zack looked absolutely affronted. "We're on the Eastern Continent! You should be using the Eastern Continent's spelling conventions!"

Almost at once, Zack grabbed an extra set of the minutes that Sephiroth had printed and jabbed at a line on the second page.

"See? Your spell check took the 'u' out of my honour! No one messes with my honour!"

Cloud wanted to attribute that stiffness in his right cheek to Hojo's horrible construction of his body. He really wanted to. But faced with a Zack who was almost pouting and going on and on about how he was an honourable man with his 'u' left intact, Cloud knew that the stiffness had more to do with the fact that he found it difficult to even crack a grin now.

And then, all of a sudden and completely out of the blue, Zack added, a teasing tone in his voice, "You wouldn't like me if I weren't an honourable man, would you?"

Whatever negative feelings Cloud might have had earlier dissipated in an instant, and despite himself, a blush started to blossom across his face.

As Cloud felt himself burn up and Zack continued to grin at him winsomely, Sephiroth never looked up from the minutes, even though a faint smile graced his lips.

Ah, life was good.

-tbc-


End file.
